Hello hello all!
So last week was my spring break and I decided to take a break from posting because, honestly, my mental state took a huge downturn. I stopped working on blog and non-blog writing and just kind of spent everyday scrolling through Tik-tok and Netflix. It was a big slump, and the toll it took on my grades was a huge reality check that I needed. There was also some other stuff that have been bursting the bubble I’ve been reconstructing these past few weeks.
Last week my parents said something about me gaining a little weight and it popped my little bubble for good. I kind of woke up and realized that we’ve been inside for a month and a half, unable to go anywhere or see anyone. And believe me, I completely understand and agree with the mandate, and if you haven’t been following the stay at home orders and aren’t an essential worker or out for necessities, what the actual hell are you doing?! Stay at home! What is wrong with you?
Anyways, it reminded me of what we’ve been taking for granted. I haven’t been able to hug and kiss friends and family or even talk to them in person, and everytime I see them on facetime or text them, my heart feels a little stab and I get choked up. And ever since we moved out of my grandparent’s house, its been harder because its two more people I don’t get to see everyday. And each time that a day that was really important passes, it just makes my heart heavier.
For example, I’m not Catholic, but its kind of, cultural I guess. So while we don’t practice Catholicism, we still celebrate the major holidays. One of our biggest and best celebrations has always been Easter.
Every year on Easter, we have a big party with almost everybody on my mom’s side of the family. We play a bunch of games, eat a bunch of food, and have easter egg hunts with the kids and the adults.
This year, though, we didn’t get to do that. Instead, my nina and my grandma hid eggs around the front lawn of our new complex and watched my siblings and I look for them from a distance.
While I was so completely overjoyed to see them, I felt that huge pain in my heart and in the space between my eyes again, and went upstairs to be alone for a bit. I feel the same pain everytime I hang up on facetime with my cousins or text goodnight to my friends.
But I’ve found that some things are helping. Everyday, almost all day, I facetime Naleiah and text other friends. It’s gotten to the point where she’s never not on the phone, like right now (hi Naleiah), and my parents have virtually adopted her.
I’m going back to weekly therapy because every two weeks was NOT cutting it. I thought I could tackle my mental issues alone during this time, but I couldn’t, and that’s okay. “These failures are okay” is something that I’m learning. I’m learning to let them help me grow.
Speaking of which, after my therapy appointment on Monday, I spent the rest of the day just thinking. I took a nap and cried and watched sad rom coms on my phone. Some time later I was thinking about how my therapist had said “You’ve been working way to hard for where you’re at to give up on yourself now.” Because of that, at around 1am, I had the biggest kick of “I want to recreate myself. I want to grow.”
The last few times I got like this:
- I went to New York for a theatre program.
- I signed myself up for therapy.
- I auditioned and got cast in a dance show at my local theatre.
- I applied and got accepted to a technical theatre shadowing program at that same theatre.
I always follow through with my reinventions and self improvements, and this time is no different. At the same hour I got that kick, I wrote this in the notes app of my phone:
I want to write and direct a movie that films at Universal Studios.
I want to be the executive producer for a comedy series on NBC
I want to act in a comedy series on NBC, as a series regular
I want to originate a broadway role
I want to make my broadway debut
I want to have a year long run in a show
But I don’t know if I want that as my sole and lifelong career anymore
and that’s okay.
I want a majority of my income to take care of my family and best friends
I want to make it feasible for my parents to retire and travel.
I want to be able to buy a complex or big house for my immediate family to live on together, even if it’s just used for holidays and vacations and the times we miss each other.
I want to go to Italy and Germany and Spain;Portugal, Switzerland, and France. I want to explore the depths of Greece and Ireland, England and Amsterdam. I want to be immersed in the cultures of North American, African, and Asian countries.
I want my photo albums to be full of life and love and adventure.
I want solo trips and family trips and long vacations with loved ones.
I don’t know if I’ll marry, I don’t know if I’ll have kids. But I want to love. I want to teach, I want to lead by example and by experience, with knowledge you can’t get from a book.
I want to create a brand that calls attention to the biggest problems of our world. I want to create a team that does the best we can to solve them.
Most of all, I want my life to mean something. I want the time I spend on Earth to be something that was worthwhile, something that doesn’t feel like a waste of the potential I know I have.
I want to leave an improved world behind me, one that keeps working to be the best version of itself.
And all of those dreams are set into motion the second I realize it is time for me to work on being the best version of myself too.
And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing since.
I’ve started chipping away at the overdue assignments and working out more. I’ve dived back into writing and I’m working on the next few blog posts, as well as a chapter of Under the Weather. And I’ve started making bigger goals for myself. Obviously. I’ve even been thinking about taking a gap year or completely changing my intended major. I honestly have no idea.
But, I figured with all this time we have, I might as well find myself one.
So, occasionally I’ll be posting about this new kick, this “Version 16” of myself. Things I’m doing to work toward these dreams of mine and the people and practices that help me along the way.
But don’t think I’ve forgotten about the jukebox posts! I’ll be posting a new one on Friday and more often than any other kind of post. I have a lot of them on deck. A LOT.
Other than that, I’ll see you guys on Friday! Stay home, stay safe, and thank you to all essential workers that are keeping us safe. I appreciate you!