On May 10th, 2020 I had one of the longest and most intense anxiety attacks since eighth grade. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t hear, and even when the hard-hitting moments had slowed, the subtle lacing of the general anxiety and nervousness all day was still there. But the actual anxiety attack or the rest of that day wasn’t even the worst part. The worst part was the aftermath.
The actual anxiety attack itself started early in the morning, directly after I woke up from a dream that included two people that I no longer speak too. I let them ruin my sophomore year and wield much more power over me than they ever deserved. I let them turn me into a combative, jealous, self-doubtful person. I let them turn me into the worst version of myself.
Now, my dreams are usually really weird and crazy, but in a good way. I’ll be at school and walking with a friend and the hallways will turn into the crowded streets of Universal Studios Hollywood with movies characters, humans and monsters, walking around with backpacks and notebooks, just on their way to class. Or I’ll be the lead in a play/musical that is a crossover of Les Miserable and A Christmas Carol with my best friend and a few ghosts joining me in a rendition in “I Dreamed a Dream”.
Weird dreams don’t often shake me up, because they’re my norm. But the ones that seem real, the ones that convince me I’m no longer dreaming, those are the ones that wake me up, that burn themselves into my brain.
This particular one is fuzzy, but the effect it had was unforgettable.
I’ve always been open about the fact that I have a problem with anxiety and regularly see a therapist. But I’ve never talked about it more than a mention here and there. And since I took such a long break, I felt it necessary to explain my journey with it I guess?
Ew, saying journey makes me want to puke, but you get the point.
My anxiety is something that almost feels hereditary, considering I come from a long line of anxious people. My reasons for it are something I don’t really know. I just know this:
>I usually get them when I am overwhelemed with work, school, theatre, etc.
>I get tunnel/blurry vision, my hearing goes a little wonky, and my heart gets so caught up in my throat that I can’t breathe.
>They usually last 30 minutes-hour, with the not being able to see, hear, or breath correctly lasting about 5-15 minutes and subtle and itching anxiety lasting the rest of the time (the one on the 10th lasted almost three hours)
They put me through hell, but I know how to handle them because I’ve had so many. They started in eighth grade, and I’m not really sure why. Maybe it was getting a job in the cafeteria again, being a veteran in ASB, or more honors classes, but those were always things I had. They had always been a constant in my strain of responsibilities, so why now?
Why now was a constant question in my head, but still didn’t matter to me as much “What is this?” or “How long will this go on?” Because at first, I didn’t know what they were. I had never had anxiety attacks before, how was I supposed to know what they were?
After a few months of going through them I finally looked it up and found what closest matched my google search bar of symptoms: stress-induced anxiety. Everyday, when I was going to the bathroom during ASB, not being able to hear, see, or breathe, I was having an anxiety attack.
This slowed down once I entered my freshman year, only happening every once in a while, until junior year became the fireball that it was. First semester was rough socially, and second semester was brutal in social and academic spectrums. Add on a job in the cafeteria and the absolutely packed extracurricular list-because I thought I was applying to four years straight away and I’m just an annoying overachiever- it was a wonder that I didn’t have a nervous breakdown.
Second semester also included a world-wide pandemic and me joining the “essential workforce” with a run-of-the-mill first job at McDonalds.
So…
May 10th makes sense.
After May 10th, I decided that I wasn’t going to post for a while, even though I had posts ready to go. After a few days, I let the scheduled posts go up, and after people had seen or liked them I immeadietly archived and delted them. Having them out there made me more anxious than anything.
I stayed silent for the longest. I stayed quiet on here, quiet on instagram, kept my head down and went to work.
But I can’t do that anymore.
Not posting gives me more itching anxiety than actually posting. So here we are.
I can’t promise a regular schedule, I can’t promise that I won’t disapear again. But I can promise that you’ll see all the posts that I had ready, and many more that I actually wove my anxious energy into.
I hope you guys like them. I hope you guys still like me.
I’ll see y’all when I do. Until then!
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Im back y’all! And I come back a changed gal. The stuff that’s Ben going on these pst few months, not just personally but out in the world, has brought its entire population into a time of reflection, action, and revolution. I don’t usually get political, but this is a case of human rights, and I’m here for the fight.
so expect many a post that are old me and the new one!
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