When it comes to romantic like and love, I’ve only ever felt the former and called it the latter.
These are songs that I’ve collected over the heart break of unrequited like, all of whom I never dated, but felt like I might has well have.
Because I was insane.
BASIC OUTLINES/GUIDLINES OF THE POST:
When it came to having a crush, especially in middle school, I took it so insanely far. Whether in person, in my head, or both.
I. Was. I-N-S-A-N-E!!!!!!!!
And still sort of am, but that’s for another time.
Except for the first one, these are the songs I listened to post heart-break for each of them.
I am dramatic, I am self-indulging, and I am absolutely self-centered in the most embarrassing way in these situations, so feel free to laugh at all of those moments as I relay them. Trust me, I’m laughing at them too, in the most embarrassed, cringing-at-my-actions-and-my-words, type of way.
Those who know me personally, feel free to guess which song belongs to who, but I most definitely will not be confirming nor denying them to you.
Unless you’re Naleiah, Sanchez, Isaac, or Em. Then you can know.
And if you’re my mom (hi mom!), you most definitely already know.
Also, anything after sophomore year is NOT mentioned. I’m not dumb enough to expose my self so closely. Middle School Kate is fair game. High School Kate needs about 5 more years.
Sorry to all of these boys. Sorry to younger me.
Thanks for unknowingly fueling my dramatic abilities these past few years.
Anyways, let’s begin.
(One of Those) Crazy Girls (Paramore)
This song has always scared me. Like, seriously terrified me. It still kind of does.
I used to ask my mom, “Why is she doing all of this? And why is she openly admitting to it? This stuff is all illegal. She could literally be arrested for it.”
And she would laugh in a way that was like, “oh, you know.”
I did not know.
But I do know, now. At least, I think that I do.
The song isn’t speaking in literal terms. Hayley Williams didn’t actually break into her ex’s house with a key that she copied, and go into his closet just to smell his scent on his clothes.
Or maybe she did and everything I’m about to say is absolutely moronic.
On the chance that it isn’t, here’s what I think it’s about:
I think it’s about hearing all of these things that obsessive girls would do after heartbreak. Things like stalking their ex, online or in-person, or contacting their family and friends to ask about them long after you break up.
Hearing all those things and thinking that you could never do something like that, because it is 100% bonkers and you are a completely sane and sound individual with much bigger worries than boys and romantic problems.
And then you find someone you really like.
You like them, like a lot.
Like, so much that you become infatuated, or you fall in love. Or what you think love could or should be.
Then, out of nowhere, they break your heart.
And all of a sudden, you could absolutely see yourself doing something like that.
This song is the expression of realizing those emotions, and letting yourself feel all of them. Hopefully, without the action behind them. It’s the admission that love or even like highlights that potential within you, and feeling insane for realizing you could actually be that insane.
That’s what this blog post feels like.
Reflecting and realization of my insanity.
Telling my little self, “Kate, you do in fact know. You could be that crazy girl. In some instances, you most definitely were. Deal with it.”
It’s the truth for Hayley, it’s the truth for me, and it is most definitely the truth for you.
We are all one of those crazy girls, because that’s what love, even like, can turn you into.
Absolutely, break into your ex’s house with a key that you copied, and go into his closet just to smell his scent on his clothes, crazy.
(Also, just for clarification’s sake. I did NOT do any of those things. Just felt crazy enough that I could have. Which is still, admittedly, INSANE.)
Before He Cheats (Carrie Underwood)
Ah, Middle School.
The year was 2014, I was in 6th grade, and fully in the trenches of my very real, very first, crush on a boy.
I met him in English class, he was kind of funny, and liked the same movies that I did. We were friends until we climbed the rock wall in P.E. and he helped me reach the top.
And then, I was deeply in like.
I started dropping hints and telling all my friends, but this boy was absolutely oblivious, and also, had the biggest crush on my best friends’ softball teammate.
I found that out and had this song on ALL DAMN DAY.
We never dated, we never ever had mutual feelings for one another, and I didn’t even tell him about it until years later.
But I felt betrayed.
So deeply betrayed, in fact, that I didn’t talk to him for the rest of the year.
I would face time my friends crying, singing this song to my heart’s best ability. I would blast it in my headphones when we were allowed to listen to music during class. I wrote the lyrics down everywhere, which I would get in trouble for if I got caught because they had the word “tramp” in them and I was 11.
My friends and I made a pact to keep him in silence around us, and we all kept it.
Then, the next year, one of my friends had started to like him and I completely abandoned my heartbreak. I was done, so it was done, and everyone moved on.
Still, it was the beginning of an overdramatic cycle, and a realization.
I liked hard, so I loved hard, so I hurt hard.
And that fire came with every. Single. Crush.
I don’t even remember this one’s name, but the power the situation as a whole had over me is outright embarrassing.
In 2015, I was in the 7th grade, and I had a crush on a boy a year older than me. He hated me. Looking back, I understand why.
We were in leadership together, so we saw each other during class, after school, and on field trips. Everywhere we went, I was like a puppy at his heels.
I wanted to like the things that he liked, I wanted him to like the things that I liked, and I was 100% outright and creepy about it.
He was cool about it until he heard from a friend of a friend of a friend about the crush part, and then got rightfully uncomfortable and asked me to stop.
So I did, and I was crushed.
I listened to so much Adele for the rest of the month that it affects my Spotify top artists and songs to this day.
That next week, we went to leadership camp. On the bus ride there, I listened to this song with my head against the burning-hot window, pretending like it was pouring rain. The nights there, after dinner, my friends laid on the floor outside and watched the stars with me, sharing earbuds and singing along to Someone Like You to get over it.
Then, the morning that we left, we took the note that he wrote me about my project duties, and a button he picked up off the ground and handed me to throw away, and threw them as far off a cliff that was right outside the dining hall.
For me and my friends, it was an act of closure.
For anybody else watching, it was an extremely emotional act of littering.
I spent the bus ride home the same way I had the way there. Except this time, for some miraculous reason, the rain was real.
To this day, I don’t think I’ve been so creepily and crazily obsessed.
I am so unbelievably sorry to that boy.
My bad, dude.
Falling for U (Peachy!, mxmtoon)
This one may have been the worst one.
Not because of the boy, not because of the song, but because of the fuel that our friends added to the fire.
Every person has a crush from middle school that they say they got over, but never truly did until high school, or longer.
This guy was mine.
We were friends before, he was taller than me, he was funny, and that’s all there really was too it.
I wasn’t quite as puppy-dog-eyed for him as I was for the ones before him. Come to think of it, I wasn’t puppy-dog eyed at all. But we were really good friends, and I genuinely care about him. It was kind of like I just so happened to like him.
We were besties, and out of all of our friends, we were the ones that didn’t bother each other too much, and I liked that.
So it became a little, tiny crush.
And then our friends picked up on it.
And they started pointing things out.
And they got incredibly vocal in their support of it.
So it became my first, more than a crush, crush on a boy.
Honestly, this one is a bit fuzzy, because everything is over a few years, and a lot has happened with other crushes since.
But I remember keeping it hidden for a few months, before dropping hints, and then finally telling him, and him kind of walking away and both of us brushing it off and moving on with our days.
It was complete radio silence for a while, and then a few weeks later he sat down next to me at lunch and started teasing me about it, and we laughed.
We handled it in a very dude-bro way, and I’m extremely grateful for it.
After that, I thought I was over it.
But when we entered our freshman year, it started up again, in a much more painful way.
He started dating, and thus began my deep-dive into mxmtoon, and the magical music witch that she is.
She got me through it, and my friends got me over it, and every now and again we text about it and laugh.
My hyper-obsession with boys was over, and the pain I let them cause me was more subtle.
I learned to grieve with music, my friends, and entire seasons of New Girl.
I haven’t had much luck with boys. It always fizzles out or explodes in my face before I even get the chance to ask them on a date, but I’ve become comfortable in that.
In my parents’ opinion, maybe a little too comfortable.
But remembering how I used to be makes me laugh, and reminds me to never ever do any of that again.
The crazy, crying on facetime, running around at their heels obsession part. Not the liking them part.
I’m still very much in love with the idea of love, and the head-over-heels feeling that you can have for another person, but now, when it happens, it’s more gradual than the punch-in-the gut that it used to be.
I haven’t had feelings like that for anyone in a long time, so for now I’ll live through rom-coms and New Girl episodes. But I do hope that I find someone that makes me feel that way someday soon.
Though next time, I’d prefer to be in love instead of stuck in like.