joy.

Today is the first day of my birthday week.

I am so flipping excited.

This week, I’ve got a lot planned. For you guys, and for me! But first, I want to do a recap of my week, because it was AMAZING!

Last week felt like the kick off of something new, which, technically, it was! It was the first full week of October, the month I most adore.

It started off with work, sure, but I’ve come to love the place I work! It’s much faster than I thought it would be, and makes me more tired than my first job ever did (even though I worked longer hours there). But I love the people, the employee discount, and the snacks they stock in the break room are really good!

I was only scheduled for three days this week, but I didn’t mind much, knowing how busy they’ll have me as it gets closer to Christmas. I lose out on some money, but luckily I don’t have to really worry about that. At least, not for now. (Thanks mom and dad!)

On top of only being scheduled three days, it was three days all spread out. One shift on Monday, one on Thursday, and one on Saturday! That meant, I got a lot of time at home, cleaning and throwing out stuff I didn’t need anymore.

That was kinda boring, just sitting in mine and my sisters rooms and sorting stuff into “keep” and “throw away/donate” piles, but the free schedule also meant that me and my dad could go to the King’s first Pre-Season game at home on Tuesday! They played the Coyotes (Arizona) and they lost, but being back at the Staples Center was still so amazing. I missed the feeling of second home that the games provide, and I missed screaming at grown men to take a shot while sitting on my butt and eating a Cinnamon Wetzel’s Pretzel.

(P.S. my dad was able to score season tickets, so you’ll be seeing a lot of hockey game content until season’s over, probably. Not much talk about the game or the sports news type of stuff, because despite our yearly tradition of eight years, I’ve yet to actually learn anything about the function of the game. I just know that I like watching grown men on ice get into fights, as me and more grown men shout at them from every which way, and their kids watch and laugh and dance to loud music. So, I’ll probably just cover sentimental moments, include tokens of my favoritism for Jonathan Quick, and post lots of arena pictures. But still! Warning you so that you can’t say I never did!)

On Friday, I went to my cousin’s football game, where he crushed the opposing 55-19 (YAY MATHEW)! I saw family that I hadn’t seen since the summer, and ate a McDonald’s spicy chicken sandwich afterward. It was incredibly cold, but really cool to see my cousin play. It was also cool to see my Tío (on my mom’s side of the family) coach, even if it was for the opposing team.

The day after, with an already sore voice, I went to another King’s game with my grandma, where I completely lost my ability to speak or shout louder than a whisper. (I am now in hot chocolate and tea remedied recovery. It is a very delicious way to recover.) It was against the Ducks (Anaheim, CA), our biggest rivals, and it was so close. They lost (again) but it was a really great game to watch, pushing 3-3 all the way into overtime, and further into a shootout.

It was my grandma’s first game, and she got really into it. She was screaming almost as much as I was, and we both got hotdogs outside the Staple’s Center after. My grandma also got me an early birthday gift, including a foam finger and some cute jersey earrings! (Finger partially pictured in the header!)

So as you can see, it was a surprisingly busy week for me. I still have some cleaning to do and some things to get ready for this week, which is even more packed with fun things to do! But I’m glad that I found some moments of pure joy with my family.

In between those moments, I got to do some media consumption as well! I’ve been slacking on books, lacking both motivation and will, but I’ve managed to start and finish and entire Netflix Mini-Series. It took me a while to decide whether I was going to rewatch New Girl for the twelfth time (and I have started to rewatch it, since), or start a new one, but eventually one caught my eye.

It was a show called “Maid”, a story of a single mother escaping from an abusive relationship and working as a maid to support herself and her daughter. It was composed of ten, one hour episodes, and starred Margaret Qualley, Nick Robinson, and Andie MacDowell, all of whom I now adore. The rest of the cast also included some of my established favorites, Raymond Ablack, Billy Blurke, Aimme Carrero and Anika Noni Rose.

It was a fascinating and heart wrenching story to watch, and I loved every single second of it. It’s a series that could eat me alive, and if there’s a second season I’m sure it’ll get the opportunity.

Adding to the beauty of the series, which I plan on actually diving into in a later post, the main character, Alex (played by Margaret Qualley), is also a writer.

In the last episode, at a Domestic Violence Shelter’s women’s group that she has given a writing prompt to, she shares what she has written with the women.

The prompt was:

“Describe a day in your life that you were really happy. It can be a real day, that actually happened. Or and imagined day that you wish would happen.”

In response to it, Alex writes about the first day into the new life she’s created for her and her daughter. How they trail the mountains and explore the lake, marking new territory as a fresh and better beginning.

It is truly beautiful and touching, especially after spending the whole series, watching her struggle and jump through every imaginable hoop to get her family to that new and wonderful place they’ve made theirs.

And it got me thinking.

I’ve had a lot of happy days. Wonderful, amazing, beautiful days that have left me feeling like walking joy. But I wondered what my happiest, most amazing day could be. What I wanted, more than anything in the world, that would make me feel like the glow of the moon came from my eyes and the rays of the sun shone out of my smile.

And I know what it is now.

The day that will be my happiest, independent of family or friends or potential spouses or children, the one that will be my own.

It’s the day that I come home, exhausted and love drunk, rose colored contacts fused to my eyes, and collapse on the couch. The day that I get to lay there and, take after take, watch the moments my words were whispered from someone else’s lips.

The moments that the production assistants call for quiet on set, the hush falls over the room, and the cameras start rolling. The very second that the actor speaks the words I’ve written in the dark, out loud. She shreds our hearts with the speech that came from the cracks in mine, and my tears dare to pour over. From joy and pain and grief. From every second spent pouring my soul out onto a page, from every hour spent editing and deleting and restarting again and again and again.

I think the day that I get to watch someone speak my words, in front of millions of people, the ones flying around the sound stages and the ones sitting in theaters. That will be my happiest day.

I think about that day a lot.

Every time I wonder if I’m anywhere near good enough, I think of that day. Every time it gets so late that my eyes can barely open and my hands start to slide away from the keys, I think of that day.

Because that day is the only thing that keeps me writing. The hope that, someday, someone will see what I’ve written, and find enough promise in it to push it out into the world. And that someone else will see it, and find something in it too.

Maybe themselves, reflected up on the screen, screaming or smiling back at them. Maybe the same dream, of making something like it, or something wildly different.

Something that changes their world, or maybe just how they see themselves in it.

I know it’s silly, to think so often of a day so far in the future. One that hasn’t happened, one that maybe won’t.

But what’s the fun in denying a dream it’s “someday.”

No, my happiest day isn’t real.

But that’s just because it hasn’t happened.

Yet.

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