I love Valentines Day.

Something about a whole day dedicated to loving friends and family and significant others makes me feel all warm and gooey, and it’s a corporate holiday I take a huge liking too. Much like people would to Christmas or Superbowl Sunday.

So this Valentines Day, like every Valentines day since Freshman year, I gave out flowers. Usually the day or night before Valentines day, I go to Albertsons and get a bouquet of flowers and cut them into individual ones, always amounting to at least 30.  Freshman year it was red carnations. Sophomore year they were pink-spotted red carnations. And this year they were yellow daisies.

I broke the tradition of carnations because this year’s bouquets only had 6. The daisies had at least 40, and they were the same price. Also, I was in a rush because I waited until morning of, 15 minutes before school started. Sorry dad.

I handed them out to people all day, smiling at their “really?!” ‘s and their “that’s so sweet, thank you!” ‘s. Girls in the locker room who make me laugh, the teachers I like who always make my day, random boys who saw my friends with the flowers in their ears and wanted one too. My drama geeks who are always ready to play, and friends who have been by my side since 6th grade. All of them happy because of a little yellow flower. My heart felt pure.

At lunch I made my friends sit down and take pictures because I am mom, and mom must have pictures of her kids.

After school, Izzy and I went over to Em’s where we ate Wendy’s chicken nuggets and ice cream and watched Dear John and The Notebook until it was time for me to go home.

Valentines day was a much needed celebration after a long week. I didn’t end up going to school the day before because I wasn’t feeling well. I had stayed home to recharge and refresh, to wake myself back up from a two week period of shutdown. At 7 pm, though, I went to go see Arsenic and Old Lace at the La Mirada Theater with the Drama Geeks. Afterward we got a backstage tour and I got my foot in the door for some technical shadowing opportunities and usher volunteer opportunities. I also got a glance at the stag and dressing rooms I will soon be in for my first professional show, So Now You Know.

Yesterday was my first rehearsal for SNYK, and it was a blast. My brother, Nikolai, is also in the show, so my mom dropped us both off. Me, Nikolai, and our fellow cast mate, Abby, sat in a circle with Ryan and Janet, our directors, for a couple of hours and told stories until we found the ones we were going to use for the show. Nikolai’s is one about him getting a role he really wanted, Abby’s is one about her school’s GATE program, and mine is about using a tree at our elementary school to contact Bloody Mary. I’m really excited about this show, and I can’t wait for rehearsal again tomorrow.

I was ecstatic after rehearsal, even when my mom picked us up, until all of a sudden I wasn’t. I don’t know what happened but I felt very sad and annoyed a frustrated all over again, like the past two days meant nothing. I took my dog for a run and that did very little to help; I just felt exhausted and gross afterward. I stayed outside and chugged water and ate some grapes, listened to music and wrote some more for Under the Weather. But I was still in a mood. I even snapped at my mother, which I almost never do. I give her attitude, yes. But I rarely snap at her.

I felt again like I had all week, and I hated it. I didn’t even post anything this week. Didn’t even touch Avocado Tree or Child of the Sun, a Star like I said I would.

Those pieces are something I haven’t touched because I’m scared to write. I want those posts to be bright and happy and while I was writing them this week, they were sad and dark. I don’t want to stain my work with my negative emotions.

I considered posting some other blog posts that were more positive and already finished, but those felt like a lie somehow. So I just didn’t post. I kept my darkness dedicated to some of the plot lines I had outlined for Under the Weather, so I let it out in someway. Just not in a way you guys could see.

But I’m feeling up to it today, so I’m going to take advantage of that! I’m going to be writing and maybe even posting all day. Avocado Tree and Child of the Sun, a Star should go up today and tomorrow.

I’m really sorry for the recent disconnect. Hopefully my upcoming therapy appointment this week will help me facilitate all this better.

Thanks for reading guys. I’ll see y’all at my next post.

Until then!